This week, the Lord has been speaking to me. I have to admit that I have been far from the Lord, spiritually. It as been quite some time since I did my quiet time with Him and just spending intimate moments with Him. And naturally because of that, I have not heard the voice of God for a long time as well. *yes, it's confession time*
It's funny how we can be leaders, be active in ministry, and have countless of church activities and yet feel far from Him. Sometimes we are just so caught up with life, with work, relationship and even church, that we have forgotten the most important thing in life: Our personal relationship with Jesus.
And last Sunday (16th Oct), while playing Fifa15 on the PS3, suddenly I heard God's voice. It's funny how I could hear Him because usually when it comes to playing Fifa, I am very focused and I will not let anything distract me. But the Lord called my name, and I could instantly recognize His voice. This is the voice that I have not heard for a long time, yet it felt the same like in the past: Gentle & loving.
I straight away turn off the PS3, and started to be still before Him. And the Lord asked me "Where am I in your life right now? Do you still love me?" That shook me. Then I told the Lord of course I still do love Him, as I have still been faithfully serving in church, despite feeling tired most of the time. Then He replied "I know all that, but when was the last time you have spent time with Me? Am I still your first love?" All a sudden, I could not answer anymore. I realized something was wrong in my life. Tears just started to flow.
And the Lord led me to the story of the woman with the alabaster jar who anointed Jesus feet with a perfume, a perfume so expensive that it was worth more than a year's wages. It was a sign of total surrender and submission. I can't even imagine giving up something that is worth my annual salary, but the Lord was testing my heart. What is it that I can't let go at the moment? Is it my possessions? Is it my time? Or even, could it be my relationship? Because if there is something that we cannot let go when God ask us to, then that thing has become our idol. It's that simple and straight forward.
And I really started to reflect about my life this week. And by just reading back my old blog posts, I've realized how far I have become. Where is the Jeshua who really loved the Lord with all his heart? Where is the Jeshua who really lived by convictions, and not convenience? Where is the Jeshua that was always hungry to see God move in his life? Where is the Jeshua that was always passionate about ministry, and wanting to see the lost being saved? The list goes on.
And I also can't help but to wonder why I'm no longer the person I used to be. What happened to me? What have really distracted me? This week, these thoughts keep coming to me, and I have been doing some serious heart check. I need to figure that out, and deal with it quickly.
And this song has been playing continuously in my heart since that day when God spoke to me. How far are you willing to go for the Lord? Are you willing to fully surrender to Him? :)